Even the magical realists in the Chelsea board couldn’t have seen this coming within months of getting their dream man.
Well, Chelsea fans, sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. Sometimes, though, the bear grabs you, slams you around until he’s bored, shreds you with its claws turning you into delicate pâté, and spreads you on a rosemary ciappe before consuming you with a glass of richly textured rioja. Six-nil. How did we get here?
It all started so well. Chelsea’s press was working, Eden Hazard was breaking ankles, and Gonzalo Higuain was getting on the ball in shooting positions. It was a fantastic four minutes.
Then Jorginho gave away a free kick in midfield, and Marcos Alonso didn’t just fall asleep – he took an Ambien, donned a sleeping mask, put in ear plugs, snuggled under his blankets, and achieved several REM cycles. While Kevin De Bruyne waited for the heavies to make their way forward, he spotted Bernardo Silva sitting completely unmarked out wide in the space Alonso usually operates. The defender had, for reasons known only to himself, decided to mosey over to the middle to triple mark Sergio Aguero. What followed was classic Manchester City: a ball across the box for the wide forward to take an open shot at goal. 1-0.