The Sky Sports TV advert for the Premier League’s 2015-16 season saw Thierry Henry relive some magical moments of the “best league in the world”. But the fleet-footed-ball-handling-striker looked at the past rather than the future. But fortune favours the brave, they say, and my spinach rich lunch two days back makes me feel like I owe it to my childhood sailor hero to be brave. So summoning my inner Paul the Octopus, here are my predictions for the English Premier League next season.
1. Mourinho will drive a Ferrari
Picture yourself dominating the Premier League and winning the title. They call your football boring but you’ve put on some shades and a “Haters gonna hate” t-shirt, while Ramires, Cahill and Terry are showering you with champagne. Then you have the epiphany of epiphanies – I must trade my bus for a Ferrari.
An epiphany is the only possible explanation I have for Mourinho’s new claim summed up in this headline – “Jose Mourinho says Chelsea’s rivals are trying to buy the title”. Now, to be fair, he did say that’s what he did earlier. But this case of Delph-itis, taking a u-turn on all that he has said and done so far, prompts me to believe that Mourinho will take a sledgehammer to the bus and switch to a Ferrari. He will turn Ivanovic into the world’s best striker and fight off Wenger’s claims of how “defence is the best form of attack” in modern football with an entertaining 10-8 encounter at Stamford Bridge.
Begovic will be spotted silently sobbing in a corner writing scented letters to Tony Pulis, desperate to revive his career.
2. Giggs will lose the plot
Bastian Schweinsteiger has just scored the decider in the Champions League quarter final vs. Bayern Munich from an Ashley Young corner. In stoppage time. After David De Gea scored from the previous corner, two minutes ago, giving United a crucial 2 – 1 win.
The camera pans to Louis van Gaal who is busy slapping Ryan Giggs in a celebratory manner. But Giggs, who has now received more “playful slaps” from van Gaal than he did from his brother’s wife, is at the end of his wits. He suddenly returns a slap that knocks van Gaal out, kung fu kicks the fourth official in a Cantona-esque manner and goes on to manage Salford City FC, where he is joined by Roy Keane.
Gary Neville is captured licking his lips on the BT sports camera. A job spot has opened up at Manchester United and he is willing to fight tooth and nail for it. He is bored of making Carragher look like a fool week-in week-out.
3. A “Raheem Sterling” will be the world’s most wanted job
He’s 20 years old, just got a bumper contract with a new club, getting paid 160,000 pounds a week, and all because he’s English and has “potential”. He actually took a vacation mid-season while his team-mates worked their asses off, and added to his reliability by refusing to train or fly with the team. And yet he was part of a £49 million deal. All because he is English. And someone at Manchester City totally ignored the number of domestic players required rule and prompted the push of the panic button. And because Arabs don’t know what they want to do with their oil money.
Raheem Sterling is an inspiration to lazy young teenagers all over the world. Women who are balancing out the work gender ratio, ethnic minorities hired to make the company looked diverse and the backward class in India enjoying placements thanks to a quota will all now suddenly demand long spells of paid vacation during crunch time, refuse to travel for the company’s offsite and training program, and then demand a 600% salary increment and force a move through to the nearest oil company.
Elsewhere, Yaya Toure will be spotted two footing Pellegrini during the warm up before the Manchester derby because the latter has just played the Kolo and Yaya Toure chant for the 742456th time. Manuel thinks it’s the most inspiring prematch song he has ever heard.
4. Wenger goes on a hunger strike
We are slowly reaching that point where one might accidentally call Wenger senile and not be far off. One such moment was his calling United as “abandoning their youth system” as opposed to the continuing faith in youth by Arsenal.
United handed debuts to five youth players last season while Arsenal did the same only for two. Arsenal also played more competitive games thanks to Champions League football (no, Manchester United fans, you haven’t guaranteed your qualification for it yet, stop celebrating) and an extended run resulting in FA Cup victory.
So how does Wenger back up this claim so as to not end up with egg on his face? Introduce 12 year olds into the first team. Lots of them. But since there might be legal problems with age restrictions, he’ll resort to a hunger strike outside the FA head quarters while the board finally use this opportunity to hire a new manager.
Meanwhile, Alexis Sanchez, Mesut Ozil, Danny Welbeck, Mathieu Debuchy, Callum Chambers and Petr Cech are rolling around in the money that was spent on them.
5. Brendan Rodgers will be handed a seven year contract
After acquiring marquee names like Benteke, Bogdan, Firmino, Ings and JAMES MILNER, Liverpool look comfortable to challenge, once again, for Europa League qualification.
After a shaky start to the season thanks to their formidable opening fixtures (Stoke, Arsenal and United away in their first 5 games), Rodgers will hit the 400m spend mark in the January window. And to celebrate reaching this momentous occasion without having won a single trophy, Rodgers will be handed a 7 year contract for exceptional achievement.
Simultaneously on Twitter, Balotelli will announce that he is adopting Sterling’s sixth kid.
I will accept 10% of your bet winnings from all my suggestions. You’re welcome for the other 90%.