I’m a United fan and I’m not a Plastic!

“My Name is Khan, and I’m not a terrorist.” Yes, I’ve clearly plagiarised this and modified it into my article title. Congratulations on your genius, if you screamed “Aha!” as soon as you read it. If not, well boo-hoo, ‘cuz you’re not a fan of bollywood. Either ways, I’m sure Karan Johar doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me doing that, and so shouldn’t you.

Also, I want to make it clear that this article is not about a plastic United fan, or the millions of them that are; it’s about all the plastic fans out there, who make football much more interesting. The title is just to catch your attention, which, if you’re reading this, I have succeeded in doing so!

So, I meant to write this article after a conversation some days ago with a friend of mine, a level-headed football fan. It was right on the day after United were beaten 3-0 by Liverpool. The conversation went as follows :
Me : “So did you watch the game last night?”
Friend : “Yeah, dude. It was a brilliant game. The sheer dominance of Liverpool at Old trafford.”
Me : “Yeah, in all honesty, United were outplayed completely by ‘Pool.”
Both of us were unaware about a certain United fan who was eavesdropping, and upon hearing this, he sprung out of nowhere to defend his precious, “Dude, outplayed?! Seriously?! In fact, the referee killed an even game. This always happens with ManU!” Now, as a football fan, over time, you develop a special kind of skill; Identifying a plastic fan. This was one such instance where Jarvis (you know, Jarvis? *cough* Tony Stark *cough*) pointed that out to me immediately and I realised there was no point in arguing with him any further. Me and my friend promptly thanked him for his deep insight after listening to him moan about the referee for a good part of 2 minutes and we continued with our discussion, sans the insightful fellow, of course.

So, the question arises, who exactly is a plastic fan? Honestly speaking, at the start, almost everyone is a plastic. When you start supporting any club / country, it’s normally because somebody you know is crazy about that club / country, and that somebody automatically drags you in. There you are, with no or little knowledge, but already having formed a bond. Then, as you start following it more closely, you grow into it. So, yes at some point of time, everyone can be classified as a plastic fan.
But there’s always this argument as to who can be classified as a plastic. I would like to stick my neck out and state something here. Banter doesn’t make anyone plastic. However, a continuous state of banter with the inability to even appreciate the rival for a better pass, goal, gameplay etc, does.

A plastic fan, though, is a very important component of the fan base. He’s the one who’ll fight tooth and nail with a rival fan, armed with the lamest point just to prove that his club is superior, all the time! Also, nobody can deny the humour quotient that they bring to the table. No, I’m not saying they’re a humorous lot, but you certainly crack up when you see/read them defending their holy motherhood. I ‘m 99.99999999% sure that sarcasm was invented by one of the non-plastic folk, JUST to mock his fellow fan without him realising it. Secondly, there’s always their sorting out quality. They single-handedly help us sort out all the bullshit. It’s really easy, actually. Ask them to be themselves, and you’ll know the bullshit theories that you’re supposed to discard. Then comes their migration characteristic. As fiercely loyal as they are to their respective clubs, it doesn’t take time for them to switch loyalties. For example, it was reported recently that after Liverpool beat Manchester United 3-0, some half a million fans ‘unliked’ the official Manchester United facebook page. That’s one more record accredited to David Moyes! I myself remember seeing this one guy turning up the next day in a Liverpool jersey with a pumped up chest, the same guy who had at the end of last season gloated in United’s Premier League title win. Also, it’s no wonder we had so many Manchester City fans turning up last season for match screenings when in the season before, there wasn’t even a single one in sight! And, why I’m suddenly seeing more Liverpool fans all over again!

No, it isn’t restricted to a particular club. Every club has it’s set of plastics. Like with Arsenal, there are people who still say Giroud is better than Suarez, or others who called for Wenger to be sacked after defeat against Bayern. I don’t think I need to dole out examples of Manchester United plastics; it’s kinda obvious that we all have atleast 2 of them in our circle of friends. It isn’t hard to spot a Chelsea plastic too you know, just ask him to name the owner and you’ll know. Everyone knows his first name is Roman, but the game is when he says Ibrahimovich for Roman’s last name. I don’t even want to start on what happens when you ask him who is Gianfranco Zola. Moving on, just last week I had an ‘Oh God why!’ moment with a so-called Liverpool supporter who literally mocked me when I referred to Andy Carroll as ex-Liverpool. He thought I was a ‘football noob’ who was making stories up to confuse him, and was incredulous when I said that ‘Pool signed him for 37 million pounds. Oh, the irony!


Some of the moods that you experience when trying to converse with a plastic.


Some of your expressions when you try to have a proper footballing conversation with a plastic.

I’m sure everyone of you must have experienced moments like those mentioned above with this sect of football worshipers. Peculiar characteristics make them unmistakable to spot, and from then on, it’s a Jim Carey movie. I’m genuinely thankful to the plastics for making this world a better place to live in. They spread laughter, sort out the bullshit for us, keep the fan-base of clubs growing with transfers from one club to another. It’s funny how plastic is basically non-recyclable, but the plastics are an epitome of recycling. Thanks to them, I can proudly say football is an eco-friendly sport. And in all honesty, if it weren’t for them, Troll Football’s admin/owner would probably be jobless. So yes, even in times of recession, they create employment.

If you’re a plastic, be proud of yourself and continue supporting the winning team. And if you’re one of us level-headed fans, be thankful to god for his creation of them. They make your life easier and lighter. May god give them long life. Amen!